Blog 4

To: T. Leoni, Manager, Personnel Department
From: Donald Pryzblo, Manager, Data Processing Department
Subject: Payroll Errors

Dear T. Leoni:

Upon reviewing the computer files, time tickets, and time sheets corresponding to the payroll checks, I have found the errors brought to our attention.

The majority of inconsistencies occurred between time sheets and time tickets that the Personnel Department clerks transcribe. Some were made between the time tickets and computer files, as well. As the manager of the department, I am hoping to get your help in ensuring errors in payroll processing are kept to a minimum.

You and I had spoke about having the computer operators in the Data Processing Department compare their entries to the original time sheets. Unfortunately, the computer operators will not be able to perform this task on top of their other duties. At this time, we cannot afford to hire additional help to review the payroll documents.

It would be very much appreciated if you could speak with your clerks about carefully reviewing the documents being copied. I will also speak with the computer operators about being more vigilant in their transcribing. I believe that by working together we can make sure that payroll is processed efficiently and correctly.

If there is anything I can do to help you, please don’t hesitate to ask.

Sincerely,

Donald Pryzblo
____________________________________________________

First of all, I started off by changing the subject line from all caps, and making it less threatening. Then I provided a salutation to T. Leoni, to make it more personable, and less like a sudden attack. I changed the first sentence to make it sound more neutral, and not short or sarcastic with quotation marks.
On the next paragraph, I changed the sentences from finger pointing to stating the facts, and asking for the manager’s help in the situation. I also recognized that the errors were not solely on Personnel’s clerks.
Then, I nicely, but clearly stated that the computer operators could not take on the task of reviewing the clerks, errors, and that due to financial reasons, more employees could not be hired to take on the job.
To finish it off, I expressed appreciation for having the manager’s help, and presented a united front to prevent such problems from occurring.
I using a complimentary closing to also ensure the reader that there were no hard feelings, and that I was a friend, not an attacker.
Overall, I changed the e-mail to remain professional, as it is written in the work setting, but keep it friendly at the same time. I got the point across without accusatory commentary or curt sentences.
I did add some length to the e-mail, but it was necessary considering the original was short, and did little more than point fingers away from himself, and his department.